The Ugly Stick, and
the story behind the Ugly Stick.
The maker of this thing is unknown. Some think the mad troll alchemist Boraska Skod created this to destroy all things beautiful. Or maybe the equally mad troglodyte alchemist Fshethth Thinskin came up with this as a weird sort of revenge on the world (it was well known that Fshethth considered it unfair that his people looked as he did). Or maybe the horrid looking Monica Lewinsky. Some theorize it was our Cro-Magnon progenitors from the Paleolithic period who gave the first wack to their freakishly ugly cave women as evidenced by carvings found in the Caves of Lascaux.
Note the cute little birdie on this ugly stick and the hag that was felled by it....
Egyptologists claim the ugly stick as an integral part of their mythologies. Noted Scholars in this field agree that it must have been Amun RA the sun god who first blessed the Pharaohs with the divine will to smite those of unsightly countenance seeing as he was Egypt's deity of all that was Good and Light. One could agree to this conjecture as all image materials of Ra show him with not one, but two ugly sticks in hand... just in case...
Some mistakenly believe the Ankh is a mystical/religious symbol... not true... pocket ugly stick.
Also one must not forget the evidence of hieroglyphics which abound with instances of "THE STICK."
Others believe it was the Greeks who first smacked those who did not fit their ideals of beauty and the perfect human form. Recently unearthed addendums to Homer's Iliad indicate that Helen of Troy's ( of the "face that launched a thousand ships" fame) heretofore unknown sister Bertha was so horrifically ugly that SHE in fact caused the siege of Troy. Homer states in his revisions that Zeus in his abject horror of Bertha's face almost smote her directly with one of his lightning bolts, but was swayed by Hera to instead have Paris lay siege to Troy and beat her with a "stick of ugliness." One historian even believes that had Homer not been persuaded by some friends to revise his original storyline we may even have seen the quote: "Bertha... the face that felled a thousand trees..."
The Greeks were forced to bash Bertha so many times with their "sticks of ugliness" that she actually spontaneously burst into flames and the city was thus destroyed as evidenced in this painting...
The next installment will include. Roman, and Medieval theories. Who knows what will be next...
by Mike Jones S.T.D.
Get your ugly stick T-shirt here.
We are currently working on a production model of the Ugly stick to sell.